Count the cost...

As most of you know my daughter is pregnant.  With my youngest 10 years old, its been awhile since I've given much thought to pregnancy and childbirth.  But my daughter approaches new things just like her mom, researching every possibility, and then excitedly sharing that information with everyone in close proximity.  It is good, it has been good for me.  I hadn't realized how radically the landscape of childbirth had changed in the last 10 years.  And not for the better!  So I could take pages to lecture and inform you about needless intervention versus the beauty and impact of a natural birth.  But I've found others have done that well, there is alot of really good information out there if you just look for it.

What concerns me more is that we as a society have allowed this to happen.  How did we get to this place?  I think there are alot of factors including fear, apathy and isolation.  In an attempt to be politically correct or open minded we have stopped speaking truth.  We have decided its easier to not get involved, not speak out.  We have forgotten that we are part of a family, a community, that is responsible for each other.  We are too caught up in our own little kingdoms.  We have bought the lie that we can do it all.  I'm preaching to myself here too!

I got a great email from a friend of mine yesterday.  In the subject line was "lock down".  My first thought was "Oh no, some crazy sniper was at her kids school and then went into lock down".  But not even close.  She has put herself in "lock down".  Canceling all dates to stay at home for a week or two.  She'd been on vacation at the beach for a week and came home determined to prolong the fellowship, connection with family.  She's also compelled to order her life (including her house) so that she is freed up to spend time with friends.  These are her priorities (God first of course with out saying)  her family and her friends.  Being with them, loving them, spending time with them.  She has realized what we tend to forget, relationships are important and we cannot nurture them without a cost.

Our families, our churches, our communities are the way they are because we have allowed them to be.  They are a reflection of what we value.  They will not thrive if we are only out for our own interests.  As believers we cannot justify isolation.  Jesus  tells us to love God with our whole hearts and our neighbors as ourselves.  We are to look out for the interest of others, not our own.  We are a body, connected, interdependent.  It is our privledge and our responsibility.

March 26

Yesterday was one of those days where I found myself pulled from the present to thoughts of the past, kind of a mental time traveler.  It was 28 years ago yesterday that my eldest child was born.  I was barely more than a child myself.  And although it was the longest, hardest, loneliest labor I have ever experienced, my thoughts were not of the pain and exhaustion, but of that perfect little boy that miracleously came from my body.  In that moment I passed from daughter and wife to mom, and life has never been the same.

Joey was a sweet baby, a funny and precocious toddler.  He was beautiful with his shining eyes and blonde wavy hair.  Seeming older than his years, one of those kids with an "old soul".  He has always been very thoughtful, and thought full.  He is a good friend, having friendships that have lasted since his childhood.  He is smart and funny, creative and artistic, and a man of integrity.  He is an inspiration as I watch him pursue his passion, working collaboratively with friends.  I thank God every day for him.

And for his brothers and sister.

I have been blessed.

The Church

I frequently have conversations with one of my children about why we go to church.  Too often it disintegrates into "You live in our house, we go to church as a family, so you go to church with us".  A valid reason, yet it doesn't really reach his heart.  

It seems that there is a wave of apathy when it comes to church.  I know numerous professing Christians who seem to think regular church attendance is optional.  I can outline a dozen reasons why we should gather together to worship and fellowship.  But I don't think this is an argument of the mind, it's of the heart.

We, the church are described as the Bride of Christ. In Revelation 19 all of history will culminate with the marriage supper of the Lamb when Christ takes his Bride: " Let us rejoice and be glad and give him glory! For the wedding of the Lamb has come, and His bride has made herself ready."  Brian Habig & Les Newsom in The Enduring Community say Christians typically think that the moral of this story (the wedding analogy) goes something like this: "So we need to love Jesus just as this young man loved his bride..."

But

"The point is this: When we begin in our hearts to look down the aisle of our own salvation and see Christ, standing there with anticipation, knees buckling under the weight of the beauty that He has created and sustained, with tears flowing at the thought of the delight that He takes in us - only then will we begin corporately to be the Church that God designed for His Son, the Groom.  Only then will we find the courage to sacrifice for our churches in the way in which we are called to sacrifice. Only then will we find the patience to put up with each other with grace and forgiveness.  Only then will we find the humility to accept into our fellowship the poor, the hurting, the downtrodden, and the broken."

What greater delight can we have than gathering with the beloved of God, and rejoicing together, praising together, acknowledging together that we are loved and treasured by our Creator and Savior?  Thats what we do on Sunday morning. And if we really get it, our hearts are so full that they can't but overflow, moving us to love well those around us.  Whether in our church, our community, or the world beyond.

Yes we do have a personal relationship with God, yes I can know His delight in me and worship Him individually.  My own little voice raised to glorify Him may be sweet, but my voice raised with my church body is powerful.  And this is where God has placed us, in His Body - the Bride of Christ.

What do we do with evil?

Last night I watched the film "No Country for Old Men".  It was one of those movies I wasn't sure I wanted to see.  I think Tommy Lee Jones is a fine actor. It won a number of Oscars, so my interest was piqued.  But apart from O, Brother Where Art Thou, I've never been a huge fan of the Coen Brothers.  I confess I just don't get them.  But Sam, who's 15 wanted to see it, and I thought it would be good for us to watch it together.  I'm sure that is the only reason I made it through to the end of the movie.  I suspected from the start it wasn't going to end the way I wanted it to.

My family makes fun of me.  I like movies with happy endings.  I like movies where justice wins, the bad guy is defeated.  I like movies where the hero lives, and even lives happily ever after with his heroine.  At the very least there needs to be a clear point to the suffering, a lesson learned, an evil exposed.  Many would argue that life just isn't that way.  That evil wins, that suffering is meaningless, that there just isn't any point. 

Os Guinness says in his book Unspeakable that "A basic fact of life is that any of us may suffer and all of us will die.... far more people in the world suffer today under the heel of grinding evils that are numbingly ordinary and will never make the newspaper headlines or the television news.  Few of us, for instance, give serious thought to the millions of young girls forced into prostitution, to the women abused by their husbands, to the widows driven from their homes and their rightful lands, to the men convicted and imprisoned without justice, or to the millions of families kept for a lifetime in bonded slavery".   He goes on to contend that there are four challenges to rethinking evil and suffering in our times:

1) The scale and scope of evil has increased in the modern world.

2) Modern people have demonstrated a consistently poor response to modern evil.

3) Modern people have shown a chronic inability to name and judge evil and to respond effectively.

4) The worst modern atrocities were perpetrated by secularist regimes, led by secularist intellectuals and in the name of secularist beliefs.

So are we, modern people, less able, less willing to acknowledge evil, address evil, combat evil?  I don't know if historically we are more so inclined.  But I do think now, in this day and age we ignore, avoid, and dismiss the evil around us.   Albert Einstein said "The world is too dangerous to live in - not because of people who do evil, but because of people who sit and let it happen."  So if there seems to be an increase in evil, is it because evil is really on the rise, or is it just that we are less willing to oppose it?  I guess I agree with Os Guinness, it is both.

Even those of us who set out to make a difference, to fight the bad guy, end up like Tommy Lee Jone's character in the movie; making an honest effort yet overwhelmed by the seemingly impossible task before us.  So we choose instead to retire from the world, sit "safely" in our homes.

So I guess "No Country for Old Men" is more pragmatic, than the movie I want to see.  But is it more true?

Thank God, there is a reality that we do not see.  There are forces at work we are unaware of.  There are purposes being accomplished we do not understand.  How does the unspeakable evil of the world fit into that.  I confess I do not know, even though I do struggle to understand.  But I do know that good does win in the end.  There will be a time when Gods redemption of this world will be complete.  And evil that is now defeated, will be banished for good.

I guess this is the story of Easter.  There was suffering, there was death.  But now there is resurrection and life.  This is the story my heart yearns for.  And we already know what the end will be.

"Behold the dwelling place of God is with man.  He will dwell with them, and they will be his people, and God himself will be with them as their God.  He will wipe away every tear from their eyes, and death shall be no more, neither shall there be mourning nor crying nor pain anymore, for the former things have passed away."  Revelation 21:3-4

Finding my voice

Finding my voice...

This has been a topic of a number of conversations in the last couple of weeks.  I think we all struggle with the desire to be heard, we all struggle with finding a way to articulate what we are thinking and feeling.  I don't think this is unique to our time and culture.  Frequently in the Bible the cry of "Hear my" is found

Psalm 39:12  

   Hear my prayer, O Lord,

and give ear to my cry;

hold not your peace at my tears!

For I am a sojourner with you, 

a guest, like all my fathers.

Psalm 130:2  

   O Lord, hear my voice! 

Let your ears be attentive 

to the voice of my pleas for mercy!

We want to be heard by those around us.  We want to be heard by God.  Sometimes we want affirmation that what we have to say is important.  Sometimes we just want our existence acknowledged.  When we feel like we are not being heard, haven't been heard for a looooong time, we say "I have to find my voice".  But I think we are born with a voice.  And yes, we have a life long struggle of learning how to use it, but it is there.  So the problem isn't finding your voice.  The problem is that others aren't responding to your voice.  You're not dumb, they are deaf.  We can't control that, we can't change that.  We are responsible for what we say, how we say it.  For me verbal communication has always been difficult.  I struggle to slow the stream of thoughts to be able to articulate it well.  But when I sit to write or type, the words flow.  It may have something to do with my being a visual person.  So when something is important to me, to most effectively communicate it, I tend to use the written word.  Finding the way I can most clearly share what is in my head and heart and doing it, is all I can do.  It ends there.  I cannot make others listen.  

Thankfully we each have people in our lives who do listen, who can hear us.

And God always hears us.

Micah 7:7   

   But as for me,

I will look to the Lord;

I will wait for the God of my salvation;

my God will hear me.  

One of my favorite songs right now is on the new Indelible Grace IV CD;  Wake Thy Slumbering Children.  Its called "Hear Our Prayer".  The words are the cry of my heart, the music is powerful.

Hear Our Prayer (The Litany Song) Verse 1

When we come O Christ to Thee,

when we bow adoring knee

Hear our prayer, hear our cry!

By the victory and strife, 

by the merits of your life

Hear our prayer, hear our cry!

Oh by all the pains and woe, 

suffered once for man below

Listen to our cry -- hear our sacred litany!

To listen to the whole song go to  www.igracemusic.com/ig5/

So I think more than "finding our voice" we need to practice using our voice.  AND we need to give to others what we desire most, listen to their voice.

Second thoughts

Ok, am I the only one who has second thoughts about every decision I make?  It occurred to me this morning that I probably should have checked to see if there was another lamp oil blog out there, and sure enough there is, right here on blogger.  You get to it a bit differently, but the title is the same.  No new postings for about a year now, so may not be anyone looking for it, but if you stumble on to mine by mistake, sorry.  I may not offer the same spiritual insight you are looking for.  

So I continued on and thought, okay maybe apple pie was an inspired thought. But, there is an apple pie blog, and a mom and apple pie blog, and even a humble pie blog.  So I give up.  I started here, here I'll stay.

This is so typical of my life!

I am an expert procrastinator.   I put off starting things, I put off finishing things.  I put off making decisions.  Perhaps its because things usually don't turn out the way I expected or wanted.  Or there is the deeper reasoning of "If I choose or do one thing, then that eliminates all the other choices".  Thankfully I have lived long enough to realize that most of those other choices are usually still there, waiting for you, after you've made the one you are dissatisfied with.  So you can start the whole process again.  Of course, then again, there are the situations as described in the previous paragraph, where all other choices are taken.  I guess this all leads to the fact that I am ___ years old and still not quite sure what I want to be when I grow up.  One could say in not making a choice I have actually made the choice.  And this is true.  And I guess subconsciously (fyi it took 4 tries to get the spelling on that correct), ok back to ... I guess subconsciously I figure if I didn't actually choose to do something or be something I have an excuse if I don't do it well.  Hey I'm just doing the best I can in a situation I didn't choose! Aaaaargh!  How is it so much time and energy is wasted on being in a position to have an excuse?  Fear.

Sad to say I know I am not the only one daily confronting my fear.  And I can feel pretty good about myself cause at least I recognize and acknowledge it.  But too often I think fear is still in control. I can come up with all sorts of psycho babble about how my fear comes from this trauma, or that lack of love and support, and I know it is helpful to figure out why you are the way you are.  But my understanding is limited, my discernment flawed.  And ultimately even if i figure it out, I on my own am still powerless to deal with it.  Praise be to God, with Him, in Him I need not fear.  I guess even Timothy in the Bible needed to be reminded of this.  Listen to what Paul has to say to him in Second Timothy; " I thank God whom I serve, as did my ancestors, with a clear conscience, as I remember you constantly in my prayers night and day.  As I remember your tears, I long to see you, that I may be filled with joy.  I am reminded of your sincere faith, a faith that dwelt first in your grandmother Lois and your mother Eunice and now, I am sure, dwells in you as well. For this reason I remind you to fan into flame the gift of God, which in in you through the laying on of my hands, for God gave us a spirit not of fear but of power and love and self-control".  Then John reminds us in First John;" Beloved, let us love one another, for love is from God, and whoever loves has been born of God and knows God... There is no fear in love, but perfect love casts out fear...".

The love of God is the antidote for fear. 

I remember years ago at the church we went to, one of the pastors preached about fear. I don't remember most of what he said, but this one question pierced my heart and sticks with me still...

"What are you afraid of ?"  

As he continued to speak I pondered, I think everyone in the room pondered, what personally was our greatest fear, the worst thing that could possibly happen to us.  Then he reminded us that Christ is there, Christ is sufficient.  So if you know Jesus, there is NOTHING to be afraid of.  If you don't know Jesus, fear is probably a big part of your life.  The good news is Jesus knows you and he wants you to know Him.  Just ask...

Still daily I inventory my fear.  Like this morning I guess it was "What if someone thinks that other Lamp Oil blog is mine?" Or "Did I make a dumb spontaneous choice about blogging?"  The list goes on, and I push them away.  Cause even though fear is there, calling to me... Today I will not live in it.

Hmmm, apple pie or lamp oil?

Wow!  I can't quite believe I'm doing this... putting down thoughts for the whole world to see (at least my whole world).  Thanks Bethany, you've given me the courage... may this be as satisfying as one of your brownie cookies.

Which now that I've used the food analogy I'm wishing this was named something different, like apple pie.  Food for the soul.  Something familiar and comfortable.  Something I'm comfortable producing, creating, because I know it is good.  Enough people through the years have told me so.  My children will pronounce "Mom makes the best apple pie".  And apple pie is humble.

Instead I chose to call this lamp oil.  Given all of 45 seconds of thought as I sit here half awake wanting, more than I've wanted anything in a long time, to get started to write down some of the the gizillion thoughts that are in my head.  So obviously not something profound I've been chewing on for a while.  It was just kind of at the end of the rabbit trail that started out as "what do I want this to be?".  In my group of creative champions (not as in we are champions - winners, accomplished, etc, but champions - as in they champion my cause, the cause of art, my art) we have been talking about the parable of the oil, and pondered what this oil is. And although we've  a number of thoughts two in particular stand out.  Oil creates light, and as a follower of Christ, light has such import and meaning.  Another thought is that perhaps the oil represents what our hearts will worship, and my hope is that this blog will illuminate Jesus.  That although much will be personal; what is going on in my life, my heart, it will always lead to my light and my hope, the one I worship, Jesus.  

So at this moment I would have preferred the humility of apple pie, rather than the lofty goal of being a conduit of light, light that will expose my human condition, light that might break into your darkness, hopefully the light of the gospel of Christ.  But you know apple pie smells good, and tastes good, and makes me happy.  Light draws me in. Pulling in my driveway late last night it welcomed me home, illuminated what was inside, gave me peace and hope.  So a happy tummy or a hopeful heart?  I guess I'll go for the hopeful heart, at least this time.